One part bitch. One part tard. Bitchtard.

Let me set the scene for you:

I had just checked into a hotel in Phoenix after driving down from the Grand Canyon with a belly half full of shitty domestic beer. I believe they're called "road soda's"
It was nice little ride through the desert, but now that I was in my room I wanted to relax a little bit and let the booze settle. I grabbed the remote and thumbed through the 20 hotel channels available to me. Nothing on. Typical. If you've traveled as much as I have, and lived out of suitcases for as long as I have you become somewhat inured to it. There is never anything on the goddamn hotel television. The only entertaining thing that you can do is watch the local news show and compare it to your local news show. Somehow pitting one against the other, and of course root for your city. It's dumb, I admit, but you can't help yourself. It's the same reason we root for some asshole from Texarkana Texas in the Olympics. He's our athlete. And even though we've contributed nothing to his rise to the top, he's from our shitty plod of earth and goddamn it........ He's better than that other athlete from Cameroon. It's the same with the local news. You sit and scoff at the campy-ness of the midday news in Phoenix because they're interviewing the local apple farmer, and our local apple farmer is much wiser, and of course, we surmise that our guy has a much larger apple farm, and goddamn it,,,,, his apples are way better and make better cider. And you mutter to yourself how pedantic the apple farmers of Scottsdale are. You feel superior now, and somehow the midday Phoenix news and an apple farmer has validated this idiotic daydream.

As soon as you realize that you're a fucking moron, as we all do, you change the channel to something else. Maybe Regis and Kelly? Maybe the never ending NCIS shows on USA? Maybe a Burn Notice on TNT? Or maybe you do what I did, and go the pay per movies and see if anything is good.



So there I was thumbing through the movie selections. (I'd like to make a point of contention here. It is my opinion that Hotel's purposely give you a shitty selection of channels. 4 ESPN's? Do I really need 4 goddamn ESPN's? The Hotel channel. Really? If I want to know about the hotel, I can hit the "Menu" button, or you know,,,,,,,,, FLIP TO THE NEXT CHANNEL WHERE THERE IS AN ADDITIONAL HOTEL CHANNEL! Fucking assholes. Who needs two Hotel channels? Then you have about 15 other channels that is what amounts to a very basic cable package. Your TBS's, TNT's, USA's, ABC's, two CNN's and a couple others.. To include a channel that doesn't come in, and a channel that is on a loop with shitty techno dance music. (which I still don't understand. It's only viewership can be a 19 year old girls with pigtails, semi-cute, certainly dumb, and are either coming down or ramping up on an ecstasy high. This channel has a target audience that is very, very specific. You might as well have a channel that loops home movies of your wedding. There is only one person that wants to see home movies of your wedding. Your mother. And still, she only watches that shit once a decade. Maybe twice if your marriage doesn't last the ten years.)
My point to all of this is this: There is a reason there is nothing on the Hotel television. They want you to pay the 15 dollars to watch a movie. Dicks.

So I see a movie that I missed in the theaters. And I hit the preview button, which if you don't know, shows a clip of the movie, and then you can make a decision to spend 15 dollars or not on this specific piece of cinematic shit.
I hit the preview button...... And instead of showing a preview of the movie, the movie begins. How do I know this? Because a little screen just popped up and tells me that 15.99 was just charged to my room. Wait. What? I didn't know if I wanted to see this movie, I just wanted to see if I wanted to see it... Not actually see it. Yet.
I'm not pissed. Not angry. Since I've only had (by now) 5 Coor's in me. (little sub-question: Why doesn't anyone drink regular Coor's anymore? Everybody drinks Coor's light. Same thing with Bud-Light, Natty-Light, Miller-Lite, and a plethora of others. What the fuck? I decided to make a stand that day when I perused the beer isle. Somebody's got to taste the real rockies. They're a majestic mountain chain, not like the Appalachians or the Smokies goddamn it. Those are foothills comparatively speaking, and so I decided that this guy, (two thumbs pointing to myself) didn't want the watered down version.)


I decided to saunter down to the front desk and kindly tell them that I was incorrectly charged for the movie. Here's how the conversation goes:

Hotel Clerk: How can I help you?
Stud (<<that's me) A movie was accidentally charged to my room, and I didn't order it.
Hotel Clerk: What room are you in?
Stud: 416
Hotel Clerk: Okay. I just removed the charge. I also shut down the pay per view channels in your room, and I can't adjust any more room charges.
Stud: Super. Wait. What?
Hotel Clerk: I just shut down the movie a pay per view channels in your room, and can no longer adjust any room charges.
Stud: I don't understand. If you shut down the pay per view channels, then how would you even have an opportunity to remove charges? Isn't that redundant?
Hotel Clerk: Sir....................Sir............. I disabled your pay per view channels, and can no longer adjust any room charges.
Stud: I know. You've told me that. Three times now. What I don't understand is why tell me that you can't adjust anymore room charges, when you've told me that it's impossible to accrue any more room charges. Why? Is it hotel policy? Am I a habitual offender of accruing hotel charges and not paying for them? Because this is like the second time in the history of movie ordering,,,, that I ever ordered a movie. And for the record, this is the first time that I've ever asked to have a charge removed. I don't get it. Why the double procedure?
Hotel Clerk: Sir...... SIR............. SIR....... All I'm saying is that I've removed the option of pay per view in your room, and cannot adjust any further charges.
Stud: What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you keep repeating the same thing over and over again? You're like that animatronic machine in the movie Big. You put a quarter in and the magician dude in the vending machine that makes the same movements every time and then gives you a card at the bottom. Have you seen that movie? Penny Marshall. Tom Hanks. (then I start doing the little Billy dance "shimmy shimmy cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy rock, I met a girl, a triscuit, she said a triscuit, a biscuit, ,,, Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on top............."{this is also done completely with me dancing and taking my index finger and rotating it in a circular motion above my head})
Hotel Clerk: (is just staring at me with a look of incredulous "what the fuck?")
Stud: Never saw that one? Gotcha.
Hotel Clerk: (still staring at me)
Stud: Listen. All I'm saying is that a movie charge was accidentally applied to my room. I didn't want to watch the movie, I only hit the "preview" (yes. I made finger quotes when said preview, as if the preview button on the remote was fictional) button and it incorrectly ordered the movie instead of allowing me to preview it. I'm staying here for three days, and in that time, I may want to watch a movie. And will happily pay 15 bucks to watch it, but now you're telling me that I no longer have that option because I accidentally hit the wrong button? What is this? Communist China? And also, its not like I watched half the goddamn movie that was accidentally ordered. I immediately walked up here as soon as I saw that it was charged to my room. I'm not being that dude that sends his food back after he's eaten half of it. Look at me. Not that dude. I eat everything on my plate.
Hotel Clerk: Sir. I've removed the charge.
Stud: I know. And thank you for that. Wait a minute. Why am I saying Thank You? I didn't order the goddamn movie! It's your job to remove the charge. That's what you do when YOUR system fucks up. I shouldn't be thankful for shit. You should be sorry for putting me through this Abbott and Costello routine. You. Sorry. Should be.
Hotel Clerk: Sir. Sir..... SIR! All I can say is that the charge has been taken care of, and it will never happen again because I've disabled the pay per view function, and won't adjust any more room charges.
Stud: So now I'm penalized because of you and your system's ineptness? Right? And you've somehow deemed me as a habitual offender of ordering movies, watching them, and then asking for a refund? Right?
Lemme ask you something.....How does one get a job in the Hotel Industry? Did you get fired for being a shitty stewardess on Delta? Couldn't cut it being a waitress at Denny's? You suck as a person. You know this right? I mean you've come to this conclusion already. Right? You know what separates you from the retarded kid in special ed class? He's not a dick about it. Kiss my ass.