The year in review. Lets get to it. Fuckers.
JanuaryIts wintertime again, and every scientist and armchair liberal is amazingly quiet because once again, record setting cold temperatures are happening all around the globe. Its a rule that you can't talk about global warming in the wintertime, unless you call it climate change and assure everyone that just because its cold now, it might not be so cold in 200 years. Or next July.
A huge earthquake hits Haiti, and all of a sudden every actor/actress in Hollywood has something blog worthy to bang out on their
clackity clack boxes again instead of how Americans aren't acting American enough by shopping at a local Farmers Market and don't use
biodegradable asswipe instead of
charmin...
The Haiti quake also gives Sean Penn something to do for a month or two, and he's pretty pumped because he's sick of banging his hot ass wife. And because New Orleans is really really close to Haiti so he can totally use his frequent
flyer miles.
In tech news, the
Ipad hits the stores. Apple users act like the second coming of
christ is upon us, and flood Starbucks lounges everywhere. People who don't buy Apple products look around amazingly and openly wonder if Steve Jobs is a cult leader. An
Iphone user screams loudly from the top of a Starbucks counter as she stomps her feet that there is an Apple Cult App for that. Everyone else sighs an audible "whew" and thanks
christ, as another Haitian dies under a building from dehydration. Nobody has come up with an App for dying
Haitians under buildings yet. Sean Penn isn't as outraged about it as he should be,,,, because he's an Apple fan too.
Leno versus Conan. Somehow, they both win. Leno gets his
timeslot back, Conan gets paid way too much for not being funny. And I don't mean that as a slight, nobody on any late night programming is funny. Its the nadir of funny. Kind of like cat aids. Wait a minute. Everyone can see the funny in that.
Avatar comes out. Isn't good. Everyone goes and sees it anyways. James Cameron laughs all the way to the bank not believing that you paid hard earned cash in this economy to see alien creatures have sex with their tails.
JD. Salinger dies. Nobody noticed him dying until it was too late because he hadn't said shit in over 35 years and everyone thought that he died years ago.
FebruaryToyota recalls a
cajillion cars because the accelerator sticks. Everyone notices but no one cares because no one in the history of the world has ever met anyone that has had a car recalled. Ever.
The winter Olympics are upon us, and Vancouver kicks off this historic event by killing some dude on the Luge course. No one is outraged because we all cannot believe someone didn't fucking die on that goddamn deathtrap before.
Tiger Woods has been having sex with everyone. And by everyone, I'm pretty sure he fucked my mom. Married women and Anderson Cooper are outraged, and Men pretend to be outraged while they listen to their wives be outraged because Oprah told them to be outraged.
Chile has an 8.8 quake, in a weird
coinkedink my toilet boil quakes for 8.8 seconds after I eat at Chili's. Nobody knows how many people died in the quake, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not eating their
spinach dip anymore.
The Saints win the Superbowl over the Colts. They do the only thing they know how, throw a party. Bourbon street is dirtier than it ever has been before, since its populated by French descendants, no one notices. Either that or they'll just wait till the levee breaks and blame the whole thing on Bush again.
MarchThe Pope apologizes for a bunch of his ilk fucking little boys. Everyone is pissed about it, but as the Pope points out, everyone is forgiven their trespasses as long as they confess, even if they were trespassing on 12 year old genitals. So its cool. Soccer moms who were outraged that there was a pedophile living within a 25 block radius of their house still think its okay to take the family to Sunday morning mass.
Health Care is passed. Fat lazy hill-billy trailer trash are supposed to rejoice because they can get free medicine for their stage 2 diabetes and their daughters
depo shots, but are pissed because they're going to have to pay more taxes for it. Even though they don't pay taxes anyway. Liberals announce that this is a historic occasion, and even
Biden gives a resounding "Fuck Yeah!" at the signing. This is before they calculate how many hill-billies from West Virginia consider a steady diet of
Yoo-
Hoo and Moon Pies as a nutritional meal.
AprilPoland's President dies in an Airplane crash. Everyone that wasn't living in Europe is amazed that there was still a Poland. Even more amazing is that they had a president? In other geographical news,,,, Romania. Still a country.
More news out of Europe. Iceland has a volcano that erupts (is Iceland in Europe?) putting a serious damper on air travel. Everyone is pissed about being stuck at an airport for a week while the dust and ash cover Europe. We all laugh at them because their pilots are unable to avoid a couple of clouds of dust, then they remind us that we don't even have pilots that can avoid flocks of geese flying over the Hudson. We get pissed because nobody talks shit to Sully! Its on Cunts!
Wikileaks leaks its first leak. A video shows a Helicopter shooting a bunch of civilians. Nobody really gives a fuck because lets face it, everyone over there carries an AK-47 and looks like they just dressed themselves at a Pizza Hut dining room. Who can tell? Oh yeah. I forgot. Praise Allah.
Arizona decides that it doesn't want any more Mexicans in their state illegally. Mexico responds that it doesn't want anymore
Arizonians in their Mexico anymore. None of the white people in Arizona gets the joke, they go back to eating their
ranchos whatevers and voting for McCain.
In Science news.
Honey Bees are dying at an alarming rate! Wait. Nobody gives a shit because 1) Its one less time we get stung this summer when we're cleaning the gutters 2) We've heard this same shit over and over again for the last fucking decade. 3)We've finally come to conclusion that no one knows exactly how to count how many bee's are on the planet, and if, in fact, they are banging each other more or less.
Oh yeah. An oil rig explodes and kills a couple of dudes. Its okay though, its a minor leak. No prob bro. Besides, my
Prius runs on
eskimo kisses and hugs.
MayHey. This oil spill might get a little bigger.
Dennis Hopper just died. He was in a million films. I cannot remember a single one where he was actually good. Except True Romance. And Blue Velvet. And Speed. And Hoosiers. And Flashback. Okay. He was good.
There were some protests in Thailand over something or other. I have no idea. Other than they were all wearing red shirts. So we appropriately called it the "red shirt protest", which I don't know if I support because its totally "blue shirt Tuesday" and I just wore this thing on accident.
May also marks the first time anyone has ever uttered the word "flotilla", as in, the Gaza Aid Flotilla. WHAT? Aids is now floating into Gaza? We are all confused. Is it like Bird Flu?
Seriously though, there was some floating boats that were supplying Gaza with much needed provisions. I'm hoping that one of the provisions was a book by Richard
Dawkins so they could finally come to the conclusion that
Muhammad the prophet isn't that great.
JuneSoccer News!!!! The
seating's were announced and it is USA versus England! I don't know why I'm putting exclamation marks around here because everyone in American with a brain hates soccer. Mainly because they don't score enough. In other sports news, baseball, the national pastime has already had its 57
th no hitter. Anyway. Back to Soccer. I know. You were holding your breath. Everyone in South Africa was out of breath from blowing their fucking
Vuvuzelas. Which I guess is more productive than their usual go-to during the summer. Which is spreading Aids.
The oil spill in the gulf continues. Everyone is outraged. About what no intelligent citizen understands, because, you know, we all own plastic fucking cars made out of
petroleum that use
petroleum to move that
petroleum. Everyone in the media wants us to be pissed about
BP not being able to fix the leak, but every person that has had sex in a wave pool understands the physics about plugging a hole.
In more tech news,
Iphone comes out with a new phone and it turns out you can't make phone calls with it because the antenna doesn't work. Every 16 year old and under is flummoxed because they've never even heard of the word "antenna" before. Predictably because of the laziness in the media, it is dubbed "antenna-gate" and it marks the 37
th occasion where I throw something at the TV.
In War news. Stanley
Mchrystal gets
shitcanned for calling Obama a retard in Rolling Stone. Most Americans can't believe that Rolling Stone is still around, most likely since we haven't even heard the words "Rolling Stone" since we
heard a song by the Temptations.
There was also so Russian spies in NYC. One of them was hot. Instead of jailing them all, we just sent them on a plane back to
Vodkaland. Everyone is perplexed that this is now what we do when we catch spies. We just send them back to their country of origin. Like an incorrectly filled out letter in the mail. We all now watch Bond movies and laugh at the bullshit.
JulyOne of my favorite stories of the year happens in July. CHELSEA CLINTON GETS MARRIED. Giving hope to all the ugly people around the world, which is that, somewhere, sometime, they're gonna find someone just as ugly as they are to fuck. I would remind them all though that they need to pull out. We don't need more pasty faced
dingalings running around here.
As predicted by me a thousand times before, some scientists were lying about the facts of climate change. Specifically, data was made up to so that we would think that the planet was getting warmer,,, faster. What I don't understand is what they want us to do about it? I'm not going to stop burning tires in my back yard just because they said so.
Wikileaks makes more leaks. Nobody gives a shit yet because
Assange hasn't gotten to the good shit yet. To prove such, I remind you all that he wasn't charged with rape until later.
Mel Gibson is made an honorary Muslim because he hates women and Jews that much. He declines because none of the nations of Islam showed the movie "What Women Want" in theaters. It went straight to DVD over there.
Lebron James decided to pack his shit up and move to South Beach. Cleveland collectively hates him for not sticking around. He then replied to them saying "look at this
shithole, we should all leave" The city of Cleveland thought for a second but decided it would be more economical if they could just send the Browns down there. Because fuck them too.
AugustWycleaf Jean announces his bid for the presidency of Haiti. When the people of Haiti asked for his qualifications, he told them he donated to Live Aid once, and also had food poisoning so he knew what Cholera was like. His qualifications did not meet up to the rigorous standards of theft and mismanagement Haitian citizens hold dear to their hearts and was not allowed on the ballot.
Wycleaf suggested that they write in
Idi Amin.
Muslims wanted to put a mosque close to ground zero, but Japanese people were offended because the city of Hiroshima had already been through enough. The Muslims then clarified their stance and stated that it was going to be built close to the ground zero in New York. Fundamentalist snake charmers went bonkers claiming that when the founding fathers meant freedom of religion, they clearly meant freedom in only believing in their guy. Not some other made up
deity. Media outlets went crazy too, and our eyeballs and eardrums were assaulted for over 30 days. To make matters worse some lunatic said he was going to burn some Korans if the mosque was built. The green grocers on in Los Angeles rioted when they heard this, thinking that he was going to burn people from Seoul. It was the first time Koreans and Christians got together on an issue.
Obama pulls our troops out of Iraq. But not really because there is still about 50 thousand of them still there. Proving that a black man never really pulls out.
Cm on people that shit was teed up.
There was a 10 day long traffic jam in Beijing. It wasn't that bad though, about the same as rush hour in Atlanta on a Tuesday. The main difference being that Atlanta doesn't have a large Asian population.
A mine collapsed in Chili trapping some dudes. They were all happy that they weren't trapped in the traffic jam.
Glenn Beck had a "Restoring Honor" rally in Washington DC. Every person there was white, and between the ages of 35 and 65, and were, in fact, related to Joe the Plumber.
The oil is still leaking in the gulf. Somebody called James Cameron, asking him if he knew
Aquaman. He didn't.
Oh yeah. Some
JetBlue flight attendant curses out the whole plane, grabs a couple of beers, and pulls the emergency hatch thus sliding away from those asshole passengers. Nobody in the world blames him. Even we hate ourselves when we travel. That's why we're all half drunk.
SeptemberThe Oil leak in the Gulf is finally over.
Prius owners rejoice by taking their quiet cars out for a spin and refill the tank with petrol. But not at the
BP station, the Amoco. Because that would be hypocrisy.
We are close to the November elections and one of the candidates is against masturbation, but used to be a witch. Nobody really knew what ticket she ran on, but nobody voted for her. Except for
Glinda the Good Witch. Apparently she's never
Jilled Off either.
Kim
Jong Il promotes his son Kim
Jong Un to 4 star General, and it is assumed that he is the next in line to rule the wonderful "Workers Paradise" that is North Korea. He won this post over his brothers by beating them in Chinese Checkers, and a contest to see who could torture more citizens. He not only gains control of the worlds 3rd largest standing Army, but also his fathers funky haircut. The loser was forced to listen to
Coldplay for a week straight.
OctoberSome dude named
Liu Xiaobo won the Nobel Peace Prize from a jail in China. President Obama scoffed half-
heartily at a press conference when told about this, telling the press corp that he won it while in the White House "Like A Boss." When
Xiaobo heard of this, he responded "
Nigga Pleaze"
As reported on Ear Fucked. Google came out with a self propelled car. Insurance rates for women and Asians dropped instantly.
The miners in Chili were rescued. They returned to the surface to throngs of media and crowds. Which included their wives. Half decided to go back down, punch the clock, and get some more overtime.
Colbert and Stewart hold a rally to "Restore Sanity" in Washington. Its the first time Colbert discuss what the fuck is wrong with his right ear, and Stewart talks about how hard it was growing up a wealthy Jew in NYC. Liberals rejoice and talk about their first abortion during their
sophomore year at Brown University, and how socialism totally works in Finland. But then the discussion reaches an impasse as they can't decide if Bush should be tried for war crimes in
Nuremberg, or held without trial at
Gitmo.. To serve him his just desserts.
NovemberThe election season is here bitches. The Republicans take the house, and the
Dems still control the Senate. The American public true to form thought that they could change the current situation in Washington by "voting for the other guy", proving that we're all retards because that method hasn't worked since 1776. We all should have learned from the movie "Brewster's Millions" and voted for "None of the Above"
The Pope all of a sudden now endorses condom use. Apparently one of the priests from the Boston parish got an STD from fucking that
McNally kid bareback.
For the first time in the history of air travel, Qantas has issues. But none of their airliners crash. Suicide bombers take note of this, and decide that they're next on the list. Because its not just about
killin folk, its about sending a message that no one is safe.
One of the freed Chilean miners runs the New York City Marathon. After the race he stops by PF
Changs and for the first time has the Chilean Sea Bass. He is amazed at how close it tastes to the Sea Bass back home. The waiter starts to tell him that its because it gets frozen fresh, but the Chilean miner interrupts the waiter and tells him to bring him another Margarita. Tourists can be such assholes.
Bush's memoirs are published. His dad remarks that he finds it amazing that junior can remember anything. Especially where Iraq is on a map or where the car keys are to the Caddy. Junior
reply's that he didn't have to remember shit, that's what flashbacks are for. Thank Christ for
speedballs and acid in college huh?
Huge winter storms hit the east coast of America. Airports are in chaos. Dogs and Cats sleeping together. Same thing, same time, same season, same bat channel. Every fucking year.
Wiki Leaks leaks the
motherload. Washington collectively shits themselves. More than usual.
Porno Scanners in airports. Most people object to them, and prefer to get touched by a stranger than have a naked picture taken by a stranger. Andy Dick gets in trouble for going through the line twice. After getting the pat down by a stranger Andy gets a boner and decide to go through the porno scanner just to get a picture of it. No one is impressed with him, mainly because he hasn't been funny since News Radio.
DecemberJulian
Assange is arrested for rape and everyone agrees that with a face like that, we all understand.
Assange doesn't understand because for an Australian, he's great looking.
Don't ask Don't Tell is repealed. Submarine crews around the world breath a sigh of relief knowing that they don't have to keep quiet about the orgies in the mess late at night anymore.
They also don't have to explain what they really meant by "Rear Admiral", "Seaman", and that
Tailhook was just a cover up for their "Fighter Jocks"
In other Queer news. Elton John has a baby boy. I'm guessing from his vagina, not from adoption.
The country is in an uproar about the Bush Tax Cuts. Democrats want to end the tax breaks for the rich, Republicans remind the Democrats that they're rich fat white guys too! Both sides reach an agreement and decide that Arrested Development should have never been taken off the air.
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