But before I give you my predictions for the upcoming year, lets do a little review. And a little bitching. Because we all know why you jerkloads come here, its for the Ear Fucking.
First off, why do we still call the World Series the World Series? MLB is only played in Canada and the U.S. Shouldn't it be the North American Series? I mean, if we're gonna call it the World Series, why don't we just jump the shark a little bit more and call it the Universal Series. Or if Dr. Michio Kaku is correct, we should call it the Multiverse Series.
Am I wrong, or has some other country kicked our fucking asses in the WBC every time? We should get over ourselves. I of course say this while munching on a Big Mac and loading my AR-15.
The Yankees went out and did something pretty predictable. They spent a shit fucking ton of money in the offseason. Love em or hatem, they consistently do this every fucking year. The Yankees payroll (researched for 13 seconds on the internet), is 209 million, which is identical to the amount of bonuses given to Freddie Mac and Fannie May employees this year.
Hooray for opulence!
In happy-ending-asian, me-love-you-long-time massage news, the Seattle Mariners hired the first ever Japanese Manager. Don Wakamatsu was hired, and as we all know, will soon be fired from the Mariners. C'mon people. The only worse team in the majors in the Orioles, and the Orioles gave Seattle all of their rejected players. Of course, Baltimore got all their players from the Cubs. So its like a cascading waterfall of poop. A poopfall if you will.
Another quick note on Mariner news. The city of Seattle has allowed a Strip Club to open 400 feet from Safeco Field. The team is not happy. Everyone else in Seattle is. Especially the ones getting lap dances.
Wakamatsu is reported as saying that he was unhappy with the strip club opening, as "a ballpark is a family environment not meant for lewd and licentious behavior." Longtime Mariner Adrian Beltre speculated that Wakamatsu was just unhappy because he recently found out that that sex in the champagne room was "just a myth"
Speaking of the Atlanta Braves. (We were?) They pretty much shit the bed this offseason. First off, they thought that they were going to get a hometown discount when resigning John Smoltz. Smoltzy realizing this, decided to leave for Boston even though he's probably not going to pitch until after the fucking All-Star break. Cue maniacal laughter by the Red Sox fans.
In another off season signing blunder, Rafael Furcal basically signed with Atlanta, then got a better offer to stay with the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles, reneged, and told John Scherholz and wife beater Bobby Cox to suck a bullpen full of dicks. There was no response from Brave management. Probably because they've seen Jair Jurjjens in the shower.
And last but not least, Ken Griffey the greater basically quoted Heywood from Shawshank Redemption and metaphorically told the Braves to "smell my ass"
Griffey told Braves upper management that he wanted to play for them, then gave them two middle fingers up and moved his family back to Seattle. Nice move junior. It was kinda hard to understand why Griffey wanted to play for a National League team anyway, I saw Junior play last year in right field and it was like watching Gregory House rollerblade.
Lets fuck the dog some more. Both NY teams got new stadiums this year. And while, they needed to tear down Shea, what the fuck was wrong with Yankee Stadium? The only reason that I ask is that it cost 1.3 billion to build, 850 million of that coming from taxpayors.
Am I the only motherfucker that gets outraged when our politicians give our money to billionaires? How come nobody cares about this shit? Am I missing something?
Don't feel like a used whore yet? Oh yeah, ticket prices went up too.
In news from the economically defunct rust belt town of D-troit. What am I talking about, there is no real news from Detroit. They know that they still suck, they're just worried that they're not going to win a game this year like the Lions.
Wait a minute. There is news. Real funny fucking news. D-Train got put on the Disabled list for,,,,,,wait for it,,,, waaaaaiiiiittt..... Anxiety Disorder. Unbelievable. Dontrelle should just admit that he can't throw major league fastballs unless he's roided up. Last year he got sent down to the minors, and this year, he has a "disorder" I love that word, "Disorder" we make it seem like its not his fault. Like its not my fault I'm fucking fat, I've got a disorder. My dad was an alcoholic, but its not his fault he beats me with chairs, he's got a disorder. Assholes.
In retard news. The Anaheim Angels won thier lawsuit with the city of Anaheim, and are now freely okay with just calling themselves the Los Angeles Angels. That sound you just heard. Its Magellan rolling over in his fucking grave. Of course now their name isn't alliterative anymore, so I suspect that they're gonna change it to the Los Angeles Latinos in two years.
ALSO. The Florida Marlins are getting a new stadium in 2010. Apparently they need one because the 12 people that attended their games last year were whining and moaning about it being hot, sticky and wet. They are also gonna rename their ballteam the Miami Marlins. Club officials decided that they were wrongly getting associated with "those hillbillies" from Orlando and Tallahassee, and thought that more people would come to the games if they knew where the stadium was located. My suggestion to them was to hire all Cuban and Domincan players, that way the fans will have family to root for. I'm still waiting for a response to that email.
One last thing to bitch about.....
Why is the first game of opening day not in Cincinnati? Cincinnati was the first team ever in the Majors. For nearly a hundred fucking years, they always played the first game of the season. Last year, they were one of only 3 or 4 teams that played the first game. (I think they all started at the same time) Now this year, the first game is being played in Philly?
I know its something trivial to bitch and complain about, but seriously, its a tradition, and I like it. So why fucking change it? Now excuse me, I have to go change my tampon. Its full of sand.
Onto the predictions......
I'm not going to predict the season for all of baseball. Why? Because while I know more than you do about baseball, and I probably know more about your team than you do, I don't have the time, the patience or the train of thought for something that long. And I have to pee.
So we'll just do the NL Central, and I'll give you the winners and the wildcard from the National League.
Cubs
Why are the Cubs going to win? Because just like last year, they're better than everyone else. They have better starting pitching, better hitting, better bullpen, better closer, and better manager. Thats right Tightpants LaRussa, I just took a shot at you. The Cubs also did about twice as more as any other team in the division as well. Hell, we fired half our guys it seems. We got rid of Derosa, Wood, sent that fuckbag Howry, and Wuertz packing, and let Hank White and the fat kangaroo go. Of course we got one angry, hostile, black motherfucker in return. Milton Bradley. This guy can hit a ton. Then he'll hit some more. If he's not hurt, or hurting people. Don't get me wrong. Our rotation is getting older, and our corner infielders are long in the tooth too. Then we have corner outfielders in Soriano and Bradley that get hurt when they don't take thier flintstone vitamins in the morning. What I'm trying to say is we could have some bumps in a row. This team is not a better regular season team that we had last year, and I know this sounds kinda dumb, but its a better playoff team.
Reds
The Reds are my surprise pick this year, and it seems that not too many people agree with me. Proving that other people are stupid. Stick with me peeps, I'll take you places. If the Cubs falter, or have injury problems in their rotation these fuckwads from Ohio just might kick our asses. I'm super impressed with some of their young players. Votto, Bruce, Cueto, Volquez, and Phillips. They added a nice arm in Micah Owings, and if Harang can get back to his usual form of pitching lights out,,, these fucks gotta chance. Of course even if they do get close, Dusty Baker will find away to piss it down his leg.
Astros
The Asstrolls are old. Really old. They have a decent team, with decent pitching. They added Mike Hampton and Ivan (I used to use steroids and weigh 250 pounds, but I had to stop and now I only weigh 138) Rodriguez, which should be better than the people they replaced. Which is not a fucking compliment. BUT. El Caballo is back from injury, and with that short short fucking porch in left field, the big donkey should hit 35 homers for them this year. And lest we forget Fat Elvis. The man is pretty solid, and probably the second best switch hitter in baseball according to stats I just made up for this post. I figure that Drayton McClane should get one more year out of these geriatics before he has to spend some money.
Cardinals
The Cards have Poo-holes, and what can I say, he's the greatest fucking ballplayer in the league. Bar none. There is no one even fucking close to his talent level. Put it this way, if the Dali Lama was a baseball player, his stats would be lower than Poolio's. Of course he's only one of nine players, so we should talk about some of the other queers from Saint Loooey. Everybody and everybody's brother are predicting a massive comeback by Carpenter. And I would just like to tell them all, they're fucking insane. No player has ever come back from 2 seasons off, and been effective in their previous role. (Although, I'll be damned if Pavano doesn't look good with the Indians) So, he might help you, but more than likely he won't. Or maybe he'll have to be carried off the field because his arm fell off.
But none of this is the reason that the Cards aren't gonna do well this year, its because they didn't solve the biggest problem that they had last year. Their fucking bullpen. Seriously. They should have renamed the bullpen the gascan last year. But you know what the worst part is for Card fans, they did nothing in the offseason to shore it up. Nothing. And it was a fucking buyers market out there. I have never seen a season with more talent on the cheap than this offseason. There was literally 10 or so closers that they could have gotten for cheap.
I wouldn't be surprised that if the Cards don't do well by the All Star break, that they'll get rid of some of their players. Probably Ankiel, maybe Ludwig.
Brewers
Their one and two starters gone due to free agency. Check please. They did get Trevor Hoffman though, and if a 40 year old can close a game from the 5th they might not come in second to dead fucking last. Seriously. I can't make this up. Jeff Suppan is thier opening day starter. Its not that I don't like Suppan, its just that he's a 4th or 5th starter on most teams. Hell, on the Cubs he'd be in the fucking bullpen. And they got him starting opening day. Sheesh. Its gonna be a long day Brew Crew. I hope Miller Lite is on sale at the ballpark, your gonna need a lot of them.
Pirates
This club is so bad, I can't even make fun of them. How can you kick a team that is this bad? I can't. Watching this team play is like watching Mike Tyson fight an infant, and the infant has parkinsons. The only player that is any fucking good is Nate McClouth, and he's a fucking stud. I hope he gets the fuck out of that septic tank and gets to go play for a team that at least tries to win. The Pirates have had 16 seasons of sub 500 ball. SIXTEEN.
The best case scenario is that they suck so bad that we get to see those two Indian kids they signed to minor league deals. I'd pay a thousand bucks to see two fucking ghandi's pitching cricket balls.
Other Predictions.
- Mets win the NL East
- Dodgers win the NL West
- Phillies win the Wildcard
- Bobby Cox gets thrown out of 9 games
- I stop bed wetting
- Hank Steinbrenner will make 38 ridiculous statements
- Padres have a firesale by the July, and in an attempt to make money sell off Bruce Bochy's oversized hat collection.
- Alex Rodriquez admits that he "caught" steroids from a Tribeca hooker.
- Toronto tells media that they are moving franchise to Nuevo Laredo because no one watches baseball on Hockey night in Canada.
- Josh Hamilton suddenly cannot hit curveball. Finally blames Jesus. Switches to Voodoo, ala Cerranno in Major League.
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3 comments:
Go Zebras!
Fuck it. I'm rooting for the Bad News Bears. Go Tatum Oneal.
I'm rooting for the Labs. I hope that lab takes revenge and bites the snausage off the boy scout leader that is ass splunking him.
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