No, I don't twitter. You Twat.

Ugghhh. Fucking people.
For the record. I do not Twitter. I think its retarded. And I think that 99.9% of people that Twitter are retarded.

Twitter is apparently the new fucking black out there in the world today. Its the hip thing to do. Everybody's doing it. Its like anal in the seventies, or coke in the eighties, and voting for Obama last year. Its cool. And if your not doing it, your just stuck in yesteryear. That's what they want you to think. Whatever Queers.



I know what a lot of you are saying. "What exactly is Twitter?" I asked the same thing. There I was sitting on my fat ass watching CNN or MSNBC or some other 30 minute block of retard and they were going on and on about their twitter feed. They were trying to get me to subscribe to it, trying to keep me "up to the minute", and "keep me informed" Excuse me? If I want to be "in the know" motherfucker, I'll just click my news feed on my computer. Or maybe, ya know, turn on a fucking T.V.

So I did some research. (read; typed in "twitter" on the Wiki page) Which left me more confused. Then about two months later, I did some more research. (read; typed in "twitter" in google) The whole of this research taught me nothing. Finally about two weeks ago, I finally got the jist of it. I don't know what was more elusive, the meaning of Twitter or the female "G" spot.

But while I was trying to figure out just what the fuck Twitter actually was, I came to a fucking obvious conclusion. If the world wide interwebs couldn't properly explain something in the span of a month or so, I either had a stroke and nobody told me..... Or Twitter makes no sense, isn't revolutionary, is fucking retarded, and is a product meant for addled minded half tards that couldn't tell you what it was either. QED bitches. There wasn't a true definition of it, because its THAT fucking stupid.

So after a month or so of trying to figure it out,, here is the best description of Twitter that I can give all of you technophiles. Read this and it will save you all some time and brain cells.

Twitter: Twitter is an electronic application that allows people to give tiny blurbs of information to anyone that wants that information. Twittering is the spastic retard cousin of Texting. But with people who you don't know. So imagine getting a text from your crazy aunt telling you that the cat puked in the living room again. But its not your aunt, and you don't own a cat. Its somebody else's aunt, an aunt whom you've never met. Insomuch, its similar to texting because the information is always fucking useless, but more so because this useless information is from useless people. Get it?

So if someone you didn't know walked up to you on the street and told you that the sky was baby poop green, you wouldn't listen would you? Why? Because it was information you didn't want, didn't need, from a person you didn't know, and it was neither good, and neither was informative. What would be your next step? You would tell that homeless person to "Get a job Fucko" and move on along with your day.

Another hypothetical. If you had a retarded cousin, and they had sex with another retard, what is the offspring going to be? You guessed it. RETARDED. Would you hold that retard in high esteem? Would you ask them serious questions about world affairs? Hell, would you fuckin ask em for hair cut advice? Fuck no.




Possible Examples of Twittering:

Ashton Kutcher:
I think Demi is slowly posioning me. Two years ago my poop had the consistency of microwaved fig newtons. Now its like going number one out of my number 2 hole.

Shaquille O'neal:
I'm crosseyed. That's the reason I went 1 for 23 last night at the line. KAZAAM!

New York Times:
We are still going bankrupt. Wait. That's not news.

Britney Spears:
R u rdy 2 LSE UR mind? ZOMG! I GANED 2 LBS. LOL LMFAO.

Al Gore:
I just ate 32 jelly beans, four bottles of ms. butterworth syrup and a whole squeeze bottle of mayo for breakfast.

Tom Cruise:
Have you ever taken L Ron Hubbard as your lord and saviour? Just kidding. Nicole Kidman's vagina smells like the inside of a Kangaroos pouch on a hot sweltering day.

Glenn Beck:
THE GOVERNMENT IS DEVALUING THE DOLLAR IN A MASSIVE ATTEMPT TO SLOWLY CIRCULATE THE AMERO! BELIEVE IT PEOPLE. ARRRRRGGHHHH. I HATE SPICS.

Matthew McConaughey:
alright alright alright........ I'm takin my shirt off.

Of course those are all made up. How do you know? Because I used proper fucking grammar. Yes, another similar thing that Twitter has with texting is the fact that people don't use proper spelling. Or capitols. Or punctuation. So not only are their Tweets (unfuckingbelievable. I cannot believe our lexicon actually has two meanings for the word "tweet" God, I hate these people.) like a 12 year old girls text message to her BFF,,,, it is just as fucking stupid as one.


So that's it. You can now get useless information from commercial pariah's and pseudo media outlets whenever a fucking thought pops into their inert brains. Great. You're in the know. Good for you. You're so much smarter than me now that you know which trollup George Clooney is banging. What? Did you just say that Lindsey broke up with Samantha? GTFO! ZOMG! I can't believe that Madonna didn't get to adopt another kid from whatever flea infested African country she visited? It was Malawi? No way! I thought it was Cameroon!

We are all now dumber for having to learn what Twitter is, and as a culture the aggregate IQ of us just went down 3 points. Its just like when MTV came out with the show "The Real World", and every person between the ages of 16 and 25 got collectively stupider.