Meet our Febuary Lady of the Pen!!

If you're new to this concept allow me to explain. A single lady is selected from the website, Ladies of the Pen.
Ladies of the Pen is a website for incarcerated women that are looking for romantic interludes while they are in, and getting out of prison. Their bio's and letters to us usually read like a white trash E-Harmony wish list, and are of course full of things to ridicule. As if making fun of desperate chicks wasn't good enough, we get to make fun of desperate chicks that are locked up.

Meet Athena,

Athena is a Bi-sexual, blue-eyed, blond girl from the great state of Texas. According to her stats she was also born in 1982, and her measurements are 42-34-45. I have no idea if those measurements are good or bad, but by looking at the picture it looks like the tits are the low end of those three numbers. But what the fuck do I know, we all know everything is bigger in Texas. And apparently, pastier. That chick looks like the offspring of a polar bear and the dude from Powder. Apparently our teachers were wrong when they taught us that Athena is the Goddess of Heroic Endeavor, instead she is a fat incarcerated pigment lacking scofflaw from the shitty state of Texas.

But lets look at the statement she wrote about herself:

What does your most comfortable outfit look like? I'm the girl your mother didn't tell you about. I'm a little bit city and a little bit country. I like amature drag races and running a big truck through a good mud hole. I like loud music whether it be country, rock, or hip hop. I'm from Florida and love to lay on the beach under a full moon watching dolphins jump over the glowing white waves. I want a confident caring honest intelligent and loyal man who at least knows what he doesn't want in life. So tell me.... what do you do for fun? What is your favorite color? What's your birthday? If you could have any car or truck ever made what would it be? I'm just waiting to hear from you. I will respond to all letters received.

What? Reading that paragraph makes me want to spoon my own eyes out. Athena, is definitely a product of public school. What a mess. And I'm not talking about her fucking picture anymore. Half of the paragraph isn't about her, she's just asking questions, as if she's talking the computer when she is writing it. Lets break this down, shitty sentence, by shitty sentence.

What does your most comfortable outfit look like?

Why in the mother of fuck would this be your first question to a potential suitor? Lemme see. My favorite comfortable outfit would be the skin of 8 year old Canadian boys foreskin, sewed together with 30 weight fishing line, Uggg Boots made out of live baby ducks shoved into my old Moon Boots from High School, and a hat made out of an actual Nascar back hair.
What the fuck?

I'm the girl your mother didn't tell you about.

Probably because you were worse than the actual boogeyman? Were you the 6th Spice girl? Death Spice?

I'm a little bit city and a little bit country.

Hello. I'm positively, absolutely. SUBURBAN. Like the Chevy Truck.

I like amature drag races and running a big truck through a good mud hole.

You like an Elderly Drag Queens shoving their cocks into your ass? Must be a Texas thing.

I like loud music whether it be country, rock, or hip hop.

Translation> I only like white people, not niggers. That's why I only said Hip Hop and not Rap.

I'm from Florida and love to lay on the beach under a full moon watching dolphins jump over the glowing white waves.

I think what she is trying to say is that she is so fat, her and the moon fight for gravitational pull over the tide. Its the only time in history that water actually chases someone.

I want a confident caring honest intelligent and loyal man who at least knows what he doesn't want in life.

What? I thought you were Bi-Sexual? Whatever cocktease. And way to shoot for the fucking stars with the man of your dreams, by asking for a dude to at least know what he doesn't want out of life. But that's a double edged sword chunkstyle, every dude knows that he isn't gonna want you. Excuse me, I just want a guy that knows that he DOESN'T like soccer. There's no fucking half assing this shit. He's GOTTA know.

So tell me.... what do you do for fun?

I like to chop up El Salvadorian hookers and see how many I can fit in my garage freezer. Oh. And Parcheesi.

What is your favorite color?

Orange. Like the color of your jumpsuit.

What's your birthday?

My birthday, much like everyone else, was the day my mother shot me out of her giner.

If you could have any car or truck ever made what would it be?

Something big. To run you over with. Probably in a four wheel variety, for better traction when you get lodged under the frame.

I'm just waiting to hear from you. I will respond to all letters received.

I'm not sending a gift box of chocolate candy lady, so take it easy.