I'm pretty sure I was raised incorrectly.

My Dad just broke his hip. In a bar fight. He's 60 years old.

I don't know if I should be proud, or ashamed? Lets go with proud, because if I choose ashamed than I have to re-evaluate my entire life. And who wants to go down that fucking rabbit hole?

I'm not going to give out any of the details because I wasn't there, and the whole fucking debacle is under investigation by the cops.

But I will however, tell all of you about the first time I ever saw my old man get in a donnybrook. (yes motherfuckers. I've been waiting for years to use the word "donnybrook" in a conversation)

I was about 8 or 9 years old. I can barely remember most of the details, but I remember that it was late fall or early winter because it was fucking cold. My oldest cousin was in town, which for me, was pretty exciting. He was about 19 or 20 at the time and I thought he was the shit. My father seeing my cousin's arrival at the house as an excuse to go out and have some beers without mom yelling at him for drinking too much,, took us all to a local bowling alley.

So we're in this bowling alley, my cousin and my dad drinking beers, and me eating an ice cream cone. (Yeah, I know. Great parenting. Ice Cream in winter-time.) After a couple of beers, the old man has to go take a piss. Its just me and my cousin sitting at the table, eating ice cream and drinking beers. For whatever reason, some drunk dude walks up to the table and just sits down in my dads chair. I of course don't say a fucking word, and I'm sure because my cousin is underage and illegally drinking in a bar he doesn't say a fucking word to the guy either.

Here comes pops. He calmly walks up to the table, and tells the dude that he is sitting in his chair. Dude doesn't say shit. Doesn't even flinch a muscle. Neither does anyone else at the table either. The cousin is motionless, and I, am entranced as I eat my ice cream and watch the scene unfold.
I didn't know what the fuck was going on, but I knew that the whole room was rife with tension. This was gonna be good. It was like my dad was getting ready to yell at one of my sisters for something. This was a rare occasion in my house growing up as I was always the one getting yelled at for something, so I learned to keep silent and just enjoy the moment. This moment was gonna be good. I knew that there was gonna be an explosion, so I just sat there and waited. Hell, I probably had a fucking smile on my face too.
Dad tells the dude again, "Hey buddy, your sittin in my chair" All cool and calm like the Wolfman. The dude just sits motionless. Not budging an inch, not even saying a word otherwise. At this point, I'm in. I completely enamored with the whole fucking situation. Its right out of a fucking movie. The tension. The buildup. The drama. My cousin remains motionless. He doesn't know what the fuck is going on. He was raised by my lesbian aunt Ellen. He's never seen confrontation like this before, and certainly doesn't know how to deal with it. The most confrontation he's ever seen was when his mom and her lover argued over which KD Lang song was their favorite. Usually any hint of violence like this, and he'd be curled up crying in the corner until his two mommy's made up and hugged it out while agreeing on just listening to Melissa Etheridge*.
For what all seemed like ten minutes we all just sat there silent. Not moving at all. Just staring at my dad, and the guy.
Then CRACK! The old man drives his fist into the drunk guys temple, and like a ballet unfolding in slow motion, the dude flies off the chair and crashes to the floor. It looked like a choreographed Jet Li move. My father didn't just hit the guy, he drove his fist through the guy and used his momentum from the punch carry him on top of the guys body. Before the crumpled mess of guy's body could settle on the wooden floor dad was on top of him ready to inflict more damage. The guy was lights out though.

Of course I'm still sitting down at the table, ice cream in my hand, wondering what the fuck just happened. Dad gets up from on top the guy, looks at me, looks at the other 15 patrons in the bar and the bartender, and says "Lets go".

Its nice to see that after 20 some-odd years shit doesn't fucking change.



In homage to old men fighting and breaking hips, here's my favorite old man fighting video on Al Gore's internets.




*These antedotes of easy listening Lesbian singers and lovers are obviously not chronologically correct. But other than knowing that Janis Joplin was a fan of licking pussy, I don't know any other lesbian singers before KD Lang and Melissa Etheridge. Unless you include Boy George.