Global Warming. YES!

Its that time of year again, fucking Wintertime. A season in which normal snot rockets turn into deadly projectiles, and I have to put on extra layers of clothing to walk to the liqueur store. Of course it doesn't have to be this way people, if we all did our part we could go from having 4 seasons to just two. Warm and Warmer. If my opinion counted for anything, then a Warmer planet is what we should have. Well that and IQ testing before registering to vote. And a ban on hippies.
Global Warming isn't just making it warmer during the cold and flu season though, according to many many people on the planet there are other debilitating problems that come with it. Here are some that I found recently, and why I disagree with them.

Say Goodbye to French Wines
Wacky temperatures and rain cycles brought on by global warming are threatening something very important: Wine. Scientists believe global warming will “shift viticultural regions toward the poles, cooler coastal zones and higher elevations.” What that means in regular language: Get ready to say bye-bye to French Bordeaux and hello to British champagne. [LA Times]

Fuck the French and their fucking wine. We can only hope that with the elimination of French wine it sends their economy into a downward spiral and never recovers. Trust me, the only people that care about wine are homosexual's and women, and they'll find wine coolers or pina colata's an acceptable substitute. There isn't many things on this planet that I despise more than the French, so their demise will put a smile on my face and hopefully yours too. Au Revoir you smelly fucks.

Say Goodbye to Christmas Trees
The Pine Bark Beetle, which feeds on and kills pine trees, used to be held in control by cold winter temperatures. Now the species is thriving and killing off entire forests in British Columbia , unchecked. [Seattle Post Intelligencer]

I was a little torn with this one, mainly because I'm for cutting down trees, but I'm totally against Christmas. The only worse holiday than Christmas is Steak and Diamond Day in February. Christmas, just like Valentine's Day is made up by people that want you to buy useless baubles and meaningless trinkets for people that you probably don't give a shit about. Think about it. How many times were you forced to get that "secret santa" something, or your that useless drug addict of a step brother, or your sister's kid. The only reason people buy gifts for people is because they don't want people to think badly of them. Of course not having Christmas would make children all over the world cry, which is fucking awesome. Maybe we could bottle those tears somehow and use them for suntan lotion? Or sun-glass cleaner? Who knows? I'm sure there are tons of possibilities. So all in all, I'm for canceling Christmas, but I still think that we should cut down trees every December.

Say Goodbye to Ski Competitions
Unusually warmer winters caused the International Ski Federation to cancel last year’s Alpine skiing World Cup and opening races in Sölden , Austria . Skiers are also hard-pressed now to find places for year-round training. Olympic gold medalist Anja Paerson: “Of course we’re all very worried about the future of our sport. Every year we have more trouble finding places to train.” [NY Times]

I would ask...Who fucking cares? I don't care about skiing, and I certainly don't care about some competitions including skiing. Cancel them all. Cancel the Olympics, and while were at it, cancel the stoner olympics. More widely known as the "X Games"
My position has never changed about either of the competitions. They are completely useless, and the only way I am going to watch is if they are actually competing for something. For example: If the U.S. was competing against India in the downhill slalom, and lost, India should get Wisconsin for 4 years. Or vice versa, if they lose we get Bombay or something. Whatever. Playing for a gold medal is pointless. I want some fucking bragging rights if I'm gonna watch the likes of useless shit like curling, or speed skating. Plus if we won Bombay maybe I could get my Gin cheaper. I'd root for that.

Say Goodbye to French Fries
Scientists from the Consultative Group on International Agricultural Research say warmer temperatures are killing off wild relatives of potato and peanut plants, “threatening a valuable source of genes necessary to help these food crops fight pests and drought.” [AP]

Surely some of you are going to be outraged that this "Global Warming" thingy is going to jeopardize our beloved fascination with tater tots and freedom fries, but I would remind you people that when sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it. I do however think that all of you are not thinking globally and not acting calorically. By eliminating potatoes from the planet it will help fat chicks stay on Atkins diet, and I for one am sick and tired of not only looking at fat chicks, but I'm sick of fucking them too. C'mon people! The self esteem of millions of men can be immediately reversed if they (I) were able to nail a skinny chick. Thanks to plastic surgery, they (I) can fuck not only skinny chicks, but hot ones too!
Self esteem is just one of the upsides to global warming, think about all the lives we'll save by warming the planet. I'm talking about a decrease in Diabetes, Heart Disease, and strokes. Not eating potatoes is for the greater good of not only my tattered libido, but skyrocketing medicare costs.

Say Hello to Bulgarian Hooker Shortages
“Brothel owners in Bulgaria are blaming global warming for staff shortages. They claim their best girls are working in ski resorts because a lack of snow has forced tourists to seek other pleasures.” [Metro UK]

Damn it. No one wants a shortage of hookers. But as stated above, with no ski slopes, ski resorts, and no ski competitions, the good hookers can go back to their rightful place and position in society. Missionary and in the brothel.
Problem solved.

Dying Polar Bears
A recent study completed by the U.S. Geological Survey shows that cannibalism—while brutal—may be the least of the bear’s problems. Many are also drowning, unable to swim in the increased spaces between melting sea ice. Two-thirds of them may be gone by 2050. [National Geographic] [Mongo Bay]

First off, I think it is a little suspect that a U.S. Geological survey is reporting on the cannibalism and swimming habits of polar bears. What, we couldn't find a fucking Eskimo to vouch for this? Nonetheless, if polar bears aren't able to swim long distances maybe they should have turned around. As for them eating their own... I can't really debate this. They're fucking bears, maybe they shouldn't live in one of the most desolate places on the earth? I know that when I've gotten really hungry I don't resort to eating my buddies, I find a buffet. Furthermore, what has any polar bear ever done that has prolonged the planet? I don't want to be the "what have you done for me lately" guy, but polar bears have never enriched my fucking life. I mean all they would have to do, is basically get up every once in a while. The ones at the zoo just lay around all day. Fuck them. Dance for me! Maybe if they weren't do fucking lazy they wouldn't be drowning so much?

Homeless Deer and Marsh Rabbits
The deer and marsh rabbits in the Florida Keys also face a housing crisis, as water levels rise and warmer temperatures destroy coastal prairies and freshwater marsh habitats. [AP]

Your telling me that HUD has been spending my hard earned tax dollars on subsidized housing for fucking Peter and Bambi?! Fucking politicians! Hooray for Global Warming, lets get rid of this rampant inordinate unnecessary spending!

Greenland’s Melting
Greenland is melting at a rate of 52 cubic miles per year—much faster than once predicted. If Greenland ’s entire 2.5 million cubic kilometers of ice were to melt, it would lead to a global sea level rise of 7.2 meters, or more than 23 feet. [LA Times]

Greenland is covered in Ice? Now that I know that, I hope it melts. The melting of ice in Greenland, means more usable land for Greenlandian's, to grow whatever grows in Greenlandia.. I'm all for more land in Greenland. Land doesn't grow on tree's people, and even if land did grow on tree's, tree's certainly don't grow on ice.

Disappearing African Rivers
Geologists recently projected a 10 percent to 20 percent drop in rainfall in northwestern and southern Africa by 2070. That would leave Botswana with just 23 percent of the river it has now; Cape Town would be left with just 42 percent of its river water. [National Geographic]

I would normally be outraged if a creek dried up nearby, but keep in mind that these people are killing each other by the millions via AIDS and genocide. A reduction in river water isn't gonna help them. The only thing that is going to help them is to stop fucking and killing each other. I promise that if they stop doing that, I'll jump off the Global Warming bandwagon.

Volcanoes Blow Their Tops
British scientists warn of another possible side effect of climate change: A surge of dangerous volcanic eruptions. [ABC News Australia]

I have no fucking idea how the planet warming up is going to jumpstart volcano's, but keep in mind people...I'm not an expert. Nonetheless, it's a good thing that went to elementary school because I learned that Volcano's helped form this very planet. So I'm pro volcano. Pro Volcanization means more land, and more land means more all inclusive resorts in Hawaii, which means more jobs, which means a stronger economy! Plus, I want to go to Hawaii someday, so there's that.

More Hurricanes, More Floods, More Fires, and More dangerous Thunderstorms.
Over the past century, the number of hurricanes that strike each year has more than doubled. Scientists blame global warming and the rising temperature of the surface of the seas. [USA Today]
During the summer of 2007, Britain suffered its worst flood in 60 years. Scientists point the finger directly at global warming, which changed precipitation patterns and is now causing more “intense rainstorms across parts of the northern hemisphere.” [Independent]
Hotter temperatures could also mean larger and more devastating wildfires. This past summer in California , a blaze consumed more than 33,500 acres, or 52 square miles.[ABC] [AP]
Global warming has also allowed non-native grasses to thrive in the Mojave Desert , where they act as fast-burning fuel for wildfires. [AP]
Hurricanes aside, NASA scientists now say as the world gets hotter, even smaller thunderstorms will pose more severe risks with “deadly lightning, damaging hail and the potential for tornadoes.” [AP]

All of these go into the weather section of Global Warming, so I grouped them all together.
First off, I don't get it. Are we going to have more of, floods or fires? Because I need to know which insurance to buy. I'm guessing that if you live in a flood area, your always gonna have floods, and if you are in a fire area, your always gonna have fires. So you should think about moving. Same goes for people living in Hurricane alley. Don't act all surprised when a huge fucking hurricane disrupts your daily mojo....Especially when you get a 3 day warning. I will add this too, if you don't have enough common sense to not drown, or get burned alive, or watch the fucking news and get out of the path of a hurricane....I'm pretty sure that your natural selection ticket would have gotten punched sooner than later anyway. If a forest fire didn't kill you, than I'm sure you would have walked in front of a fucking bus sometime soon.
As for the report that Thunderstorms are going to get dangerous, I was wondering when lightning wasn't dangerous? When did electricity not kill you? When was this?

Higher Sea Levels
Scientists believe sea levels will be three feet higher by the end of the century than they are now. [National Geographic]

This may go as under the obvious heading, but if the sea level is getting higher wouldn't you just take a step back so you don't get your feet wet? According to the above article the seas are rising 3/8ths of an inch every year. WATCH OUT! Make sure that you build that sand castle the proper distance from the shore. All kidding aside, I'm for the rising of the seas and oceans. Why? I hate the hillbilly state of Florida. Hopefully that fucking marsh of a state gets covered in water, and in the process kills some old people too. Fuck old people. There the reason we have a medicare problem in this country, and subsequently why I won't be getting a social security check when I retire even though I pay into it every week. Fucking vultures. There is also another benefit to having Florida underwater. Cubans will most likely go to Haiti instead of making the sail to Georgia. We have enough fucking immigrant's in this country, we don't need more.

People Are Dying
150,000: Number of people the World Health Organization estimates are killed by climate-change-related issues every year. [Washington Post]

Well, I personally believe that this is just sensationalism and outright propaganda. Tell me how in the fuck 150,000 people died this year because of the temperature rising 1.8 degrees in the last century? Once again, if this is in fact true, they were gonna die of something soon anyway. 1.8 degrees doesn't kill people, the worst it does is makes me a little sweatier at the gym.



But,, What Can I Do?
So hopefully I have convinced some of you good folk that Global Warming is beneficial to our planet's comfortable survival, and as a species the further evolution of it. You maybe asking though "What can I do? I'm only one person" WELL......I came up with some simple things you can do so we can live at a balmy temperature.


1. Burn some shit.

That's right, lets burn some shit. Instead of throwing it away and sending it to a landfill, burn it. Request your used oil back when you get an oil change, get your tires back when you get new ones, don't recycle, burn it. Not only are you helping the planet stay a tropical temperature, your making your life easier. No more decisions about paper or plastic, both burn fine. Trust me, if you get any substance hot enough it'll burn.


2. Leave those lights on.

Your house doesn't have to be dark all the time, keep it lit. Don't keep it lit with those 60 watt bulbs either, use a nice bright 100 watt bulb. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of bumping into shit in the dark.


3. Cut down some trees.

Trees use C02, and the more they use the less the temperature will rise. As stated above, cut down your Christmas tree this year. Then burn it after the holiday's. No more fake trees either. Using fake trees isn't going to help Global Warming, and neither is throwing that Christmas tree by the curb on New Years day. Cut down two this Christmas season, and burn them both using gasoline and shingles. Think about it, if we all just put a little effort into making the planet a warmer place, we might not have winters anymore. We should all be working towards that goal.
We should also be voting for the deforestation of the Northwest, and rainforest's around the globe. Fuck the spotted owls. We got plenty of owls in the U.S., who cares if we got spotted ones?


4. Instead of lethal injection for Capitol punishment, vote for the Electric Chair.

Sure you may be against Capitol punishment, none of us want to see that rapist die. But if he does have to be executed, let your congressperson know that you would prefer that they receive the electric chair. The more that we use our natural resources, we raise the temperature of the world. Just think of it as that sexual predator giving something back to the community, or at least to the woman he took advantage of. Sure that chick is gonna be scarred for life, but at least they'll be comfortable lounging around the house in daisy dukes and a tank top.


5. Protest MTV Unplugged sessions.

Sure I like Pennyroyal Tea by Nirvana, and love the way it sounds, but hearing Cobain's melodious voice doesn't make my goose bumps go away! Just ask yourself: Does it sound as good as warm feels? Your probably not gonna care about their acoustical supremacy if your shivering from the temperature being in the single digits. That's what its coming too folks, if we don't act soon it's gonna get colder.