An Evening with Kevin Smith

I was in the Garden State this weekend to attend the a Q&A session with Kevin Smith. If you haven't been to one of them, I suggest that you get off your lazy ass and go. They rock the hizzie.
I'm a fanboy of a couple things in this world, cheese burger hot dogs from 7-11, Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place, Ghengis Khan, Chuck Yeager, Cashews, mother-daughter porn, club wraps with wheat tortilla''s........and this fat funny motherfucker.


I keep in touch with Smith through four mediums. I subscribe to his podcast (they are titled "smodcast") on my MP3 player, I religiously subscribe to his blog (even though it isn't really a blog but a self promotion of his work), and I always go see his movies, (except Jersey Girl. Fuck that noise.) and I have attended two of his Q&A's. Yeah. I'm a fucking Stan.

But I'm not even close to being the biggest Stan of Kevin Smith. His fans are the epitome of the word "fanatical", not like those assholes ringing cowbells during the Tampa Bay Devil Rays while the World Series was going on......fans. Real fans.
These are nerds that are not afraid of being nerds anymore. Geeks not being afraid of basking in the glory of comic books and the intricacies of TV shows like Quantum Leap. Its weird cacophony of people asking questions about Star Wars while wearing NHL jerseys.
At first you really don't know what the fuck is going on and you think to yourself, "What weird paradigm am I stuck in where the funny looking kid at the microphone that maybe weighs 92 lbs if he didn't pop all of his zits wearing a fucking Maple Leaf jersey is asking Kevin if Jabba the Hut was the inspiration for the rubber poop monster in Dogma."
Its fucking steak balls.
Then Kevin goes on for 15 minutes about how the rubber poop monster in Dogma was actually an idea he came up with while his toilet was overflowing and his wife yelling at him because of it, and Jabba was clearly different than the Rubber poop monster because Jabba obviously symbolizes one of the many steps that Luke Skywalker has to overcome to gain the true powers of the force, and the rubber poop monster could only be viewed as a minion of Loki sent to fling feces at Jay and Silent Bob in a strip club where Selma Hayek doesn't show her tits.
Or something like that. And he does this for anywhere between 4-8 hours. Talk about getting your monies worth.

Even though I could care less about movies like Superman, or Batman or comic books, or video games, you become one of Kevin's legion because he is a great fucking writer and an unbelievable storyteller. He makes stories interesting about shit that doesn't interest me, and he also does a one other huge fucking thing. He tells the truth.

He tells the truth about dealing with assholes in Hollywood, he tells the truth about being fat, he tells the truth about having anal fissures, he tells the truth about why movies suck, he tells the fucking truth about all of it. And it is not only a relief to hear him do it, its is funny as all fuck the way he does it. He doesn't seem to have a problem giving his opinion on subjects that other Hollywood types would shy away from. Why? Probably because of three reasons. 1. He doesn't know any better 2. He understands that there is no upside to being dishonest in a dishonest place. 3. He has talent.
He's not a true Hollywood star that has to worry about offending someone that might not cast him in a movie. He doesn't have to worry about someone not buying his movie because of pissing someone off, and he surely doesn't have to worry about making someone angry that has control over what he does because his talent is his own. In Hollywood you can get derailed for any number of reasons. You can lose jobs for being an insufferable cunt (Lindsey Lohan, aka freckletits), losing your looks (any actress over the age of 40), being in movies that fucking sucked (Ben Affleck), and talking massive amounts of shit (Troy Duffy).
But you know what you can't lose? Your talent. And Kev's talent is writing great scripts.

You cannot deny that the writing in his movies isn't anything less than honest. Which of course is what makes him different that 99% of the shit that Hollywood feeds you. You know when your in a movie theater and you can tell what the dialogue is going to be as the scene approaches? Or how a scene plays out? Or how a storyline never deviates from the typical Hollywood storyline. Why does Hollywood do it? Because they have a formula for success, and they are afraid to deviate from it in fear that their movies will cease to make money. And also because there are millions of fucking Americans that would rather see shit like the Titanic than movies that make you laugh or think. They would rather go see a movie about a fairytale romance between two different classes of people on a big boat that as we all knew,,,,,,,was going to crash into a big ice cube and sink. For Fucks sake people. Why would you want to see that movie?
I'm not saying that Kevin Smith's movies are going to cure cancer or reduce the size of my prostate, but unlike other Hollywood movies, they're funny, smart, well written, and usually spot on.

If any of you still don't get it, watch any of the below video's.
Superman
Prince
Prince II
Prince III
Prince IV
Tim Burton and Batman
Jesus Christ


So go support someone and go see his movies. Go see Zach and Miri make a Porno. Its good. Goddamn it, its fucking Great. Its not my favorite movie by Kevin Smith, but the first hour of it is his best work to date.

My Kevin Smith movie power rankings:

1. Mallrats
2. Clerks II
3. Zack and Miri make a Porno
4. Clerks
5. Chasing Amy
6. Dogma
7. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back