The Big Top 100. (100-96)

So. I finally got off my ass and did my only yearly project. The Big Top 100. Its back and better (probably not) than ever. For some reason I usually do this thing in July, but I didn't get it done in time this year.

I'm doing things a little different this year. On the recommendations of others I am only releasing it 5 movies at a time, instead of just releasing the whole thing at once.
This is done for two reasons, 1.) The fucking thing would literally be 22 pages long, 2.) I am re-writing everything this year. That's right bitches, the whole thing is re-done. None of the same entries from the year before.
I also mixed a ton of shit up this year with 11 new movies in the list, and I also am going to provide a video link for a scene from each movie.

So here you go.

The Big Top 100


100. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
That’s right fuckfaces. Dr. Jones and his father Dr. Jones the elder are here to stop the Nazi's once again from taking over the fucking world! They do it by hijacking airplanes from the undersides of dirigibles, outrunning German airplanes in a Studebaker, and shoving flagpoles into motorcycle spokes. And that's just the half of it. They also get to bang some sweet ass Fraulein hair pie. (And I would be remiss if I didn't tell all of you that this actress's real last name is "Doody" That's right, someone actually has a last name of "Doody")
We should all thank our lucky stars that family duo of Jones boys were around, or ya know, the Nazi's would have won the war and the world would have less Jews. Less Jews on the planet means that we would have to tolerate more and more movies by Jew film makers like Steven Spielberg. And guess who directed the Indy series? See how I brought that back around full circle? Voila bitches!
Thanks Jones Boys!
On a serious note, (not that Jews inside of sweltering ovens isn't serious) this movie is this best of all of the Indy series. Why? Two reasons. Sean Connery. And Sean Connery. Is there any other reason? (Quick Question: Is there anything wrong about me daydreaming about running my fingers through Sean Connery's chest hair? Let me know, I'm on the fence about it.) (Second Quick Question: Did anyfuckingbody have River Phoenix in their death pool? Who would have thought that this dude was gonna be the first to croak in this cast? Me personally? I had that fat Pavarotti looking dude takin dirt naps way before him.)

99. The Paper
This movie has been left off of the Big Top 100 all three times. Why? Because I'm fucking stupid and forgot all about it. We can't be "on" all the time people. I'm not a superhero dammit.
I don't know anyone that's seen this movie, but that doesn't mean it's not good. It just means that you idiots would rather sit your fat asses on the couch and watch reality TV as your brain turns slowly into cream of wheat. I joke. Oatmeal. This movie had a great cast, Michael Keaton, Randy Quaid, Robert Duvall, Glenn Close, Marissa Tomei, and even has a couple of scenes that include Jason Robards and Jason Alexander. So, not expecting this to be a good movie is like inviting me over to your house for the holidays then getting pissed when you run out of turkey legs and liquor. Than your little sister shows up on YouPorn a week later, and your cat doesn't have hair. You shoulda seen it coming cockshiner.
The actors do a great job, there is a good plot, and everyone has a super dynamic interacting with each other. The basic plot of the movie is a day in the life of an editor of a under-achieving newspaper in NYC. The inherent problem is that Henry Hackett (Michael Keaton) is pulled in two directions. Does he put his job or his happiness first? If he puts his happiness first, his family hates him but if he makes his family happy he'll have to take another job that he hates. AND, surprisingly they don't bore the holy fucking shit out of you in telling you this story (I almost fell asleep typing this sentence) as you watch it. BUT, with a cast like this you can see why it isn't boring. They have great chemistry between them. The whole movie actually feels like dialogue that you would normally have everyday.


98. Donnie Brasco
Another movie that just made the list. Francis. I caught myself watching this movie last year, and remembered that it really was a good movie. So I bought the DVD and cuddled on the couch close to the fireplace with a bottle of zin and lowfat "I can't believe its not butter" popcorn and watched this gangster movie. This movie is about Joe Pistone/Donnie Brasco (John E. Depp) who infiltrates the mob by befriending Lefty Ruggiero (Alford E. Pacino) It is not your typical beat em up, doin whores, and killing people gangster movie like "GoodFellas" or "Scarface". Donnie Brasco is a gangster movie that looks at the relationship between Depp and Pacino's characters and in doing so tries to understand human emotions, and human frailty. We see the weaker side of humans with mobster stoolie Lefty, and the intensity and devotion to the task at hand as Depp plays his character Donnie Brasco. In doing so we come to understand that mobsters are people too, and have a soft, warm, juicy inside and need our love just like those kids that Sally Struthers talks about. Jesus. Did I just write that? Somebody give me a fuckin body shot to the ribs. Please.

97. The Outlaw Josey Wales
Clint's gonna kick my ass for movin him down the list. TOJW drops ten places from 87 to 97 this year. Why? Mainly because Josey Wales was on the Confederate side of the war, and that means that he is all for enslaving black people, and as you know, we just voted in our first colored (ahem. African American) into office. So basically Josey Wales wouldn't have voted for Obama, which is a fucking abomination, and means that Josey Wales is a racist and loves George Bush and McCain and loves war, and hates economic prosperity. That's why he dropped 10 positions. Fuck him. I love black people. Get real Josey Wales. Nobody likes racist's. (Unless you're a "Native American" than here, have a blanket!)

96. Swingers
"You're so money baby" Whose sick of fucking hearing that in the 90's? Not me fucknugget. But only because I am so money. Did you know that this is one of the most successful independent movies, according to someone on the internet, its ranked 4th. So there. Its a story about losers living in L.A. trying to "make it" as actors, or producers, or what the fuck people do in L.A. when they are trying to "make it" Every single character is completely full of themselves, with exception to Favreau's character who is a regular, normal, nice guy that sees the world through our regular people glasses and not the coke bottle lenses that you need to survive in Hollywood. Its a wierd dystopic comedy and there is no reason for not seeing this movie. None. Its got Favreau, Livingston, D'esert (the black blind motherfucker from Becker), hottie Heather Graham and probably a little gem that you forgot about. Brooke Langton I would do turrble things to that chick. Turrble. Combine her with the rest of the cast...... Especially the hilarity of Vince Vaughn and you get a great cinematic experience. After watching this movie for the first time you knew that Vaughn was gonna be the next sliced bread. (Note to self; Was the greatest thing before sliced bread, was it gettin HJ's in the back of Conestoga Wagons by pre-pubescent frontier girls? Look up in Wiki.) Its not that Vince Vaughn is that great of an actor, he isn't. Its that he is just being himself on the big screen, and he's really that fucking titballs in real life. Which means that I don't care if every movie that Vince Vaughn is in from here to eternity is him playing himself, because every one of those movies would be great. He should get an award for just being himself.
Hey Vince, here's an award for walking down the street. Thanks for being you. Have another award for that great hair of yours. Here's an award for being so tall. I like your sideburns, have a shiny something. I heart you Vince Vaughn. Put in a good word for me with that Langton chick. Your so money baby.