The 5th worst movie that I own.

I own a little over 350 movies. 345 of them are good. 5 of them smell like my taint the day after eating at El Burrito Loco.

Number 5. Factotum


What would I rather do than watch this movie again?
Lick tranny assholes while squatting on a bear trap.




If you can make it through the entire clip, than you are an amazing individual and possibly a fucking sadist. Keep in mind that the above clip is the originally released theater preview and it sucked. So how do think the movie was?
Here's a novel tip for Hollywood executives out there. Try to make at least the fucking preview of an upcoming movie interesting. If the preview isn't any good, then why in the fuck would anyone go see the actual movie?

The movie is an adaptation of a Charles Bukowski book, which means nothing to me because I only read Penthouse Forum. Anyway, Bukowski wrote the book about himself, his struggle with his inner demons, and his struggle with writing. While I'll never read this book, I can certainly see why he sucks as a person. Watching this movie may actually make you die from boredom if you don't kill yourself first.

All that aside, this movie could have been awesome. It is about a guy who is a struggling writer, a massive alcoholic, and a raging nymphomaniac. It's my own personal trifecta, so you can see how it could have been good. There is obviously some good material in there, but it just doesn't go anywhere. The movie is a continual loop of the main character getting fired from jobs, drinking, and bonering chicks. I felt like I was watching a cricket match. One of those 3 day long cricket matches, that go on and on forever and even though the score ends up being 937 to 878 you don't know who won, and you certainly don't give a shit. There isn't any finality to any of it. It is boring and longwinded and worst of all, doesn't show any boobs...which should be illegal as far as I'm concerned.



The main actors in this movie are Matt Dillon, Lili Taylor, and Marisa Tomei. I'm pretty sure that Lili Taylor has played the same character in every fucking role that she has been in. You know, that whiny, not pretty, sad, and fucking clingy ugly chick. Don't believe me? Watch Say Anything, or High Fidelity, or one of the episodes of Six Feet Under that she was in. Trying to explain the reason Hollywood has decided to employee this troll is like trying to understand chaos theory, while your in third grade. Either that or Hollywood has discovered the cure for priapism. and is trying to market it with subliminal ads in movies she's in.
The only visual reprieve that we see om this movie is Marisa Tomei. Marisa is smoking fucking hot. I'm seriously thinking about bagging this post to start stalking her. I would probably blow a dude, to have sex with her. That's right, if in some weird made up scenario Marisa Tomei walked up to me and told me that she would allow my penis inside of her, but I had to suck some dude off before that could happen? Done.Deal. I'd work that dudes cock like a marvy barber pole.
Lest we forget the lead, Matt Dillon. I guess he does a good job in this flick? I don't really know because the story is boring, and lethargic. Matt could have given an oscar winning performance and I wouldn't have noticed. It would be like putting a tuxedo on Hitler. He's still Hitler. Tuxedo or not, he still cooked some jews.

The only reason that anyone should ever watch this movie is if you are in prison and get nothing on the TV except this and the weather channel.