Some guy quotes me. Journalistic integrity compromised forever.

Some guy from MLB reached out to me a couple days ago, and wanted a quote for an article he was writing. What? Why would some fucking hack writing for MLB want to get a quote from another hack who divides his time between writing nonsensical horseshit on a site called "EarFucked", playing Mario Cart, and drinking more than a Irishman on a foggy fucking evening?

My first impulse was to send him an email back and say "Thanks, but no thanks. Fuckbag."
But I didn't, mainly because I'm a huge narcissist.
So I hatched a plan, and feverishly banged away at my keyboard for 3 minutes. I went on to write something that skirted the lines of decency, something that was funny, and something that was on the topic.

The topic of the column was "Is this the Year?" And yes, the douchebag was obviously referring my stupid fucking ball team, the Cubs.

Here was my answer:

This is in fact, Not the Year. Why? Because I am still alive, and the Lords of Elysium won't let me walk through their golden fields of baseball splendor while I'm a fan of this team. The Cubs are identical to every one-night stand I've ever had. (All 1 and a half of them) There are moments of unadulterated bliss that makes us feel as if we are riding high on the Shangri-la-like clouds of whispy cotton candy, all the while this moment ends the morning after like every other season... In disappointment. Its usually best to forget the entire experience and dwell on other things, but like most dolts in life, after about 5 months we forget why it ended in disgust and travel down that road again. So we jump back in bed not learning anything, underneath the premise that we might find the love of our life, and instead we end up with chlamydia.

If baseball and the Cubs franchise has taught me anything, its that I have way too much faith in humanity. My parents unwisely gave me that tenet in life, the Cubs have taketh it away.

Pretty fucking good right? I mean, its got a Chlamydia reference, a Shangri-La reference, an Elysium reference, a Cotton Candy reference, a one night stand reference, and it all somehow makes sense by making fun of our stupid team and our stupid fans.

This is what the dickweed actually used. He chopped and hacked all of the good stuff out.

That steely exterior is also supremely evident in the words of Bill Lapetomane of Wheaton, Ill., who replied matter of factly:

"This is, in fact, Not the Year. Why? Because I am still alive, and the Lords of Elysium won't let me walk through their golden fields of baseball splendor while I'm a fan of this team. ... There are moments of unadulterated bliss that makes us feel as if we are riding high on the Shangri-la-like clouds of whispy cotton candy, (and) all the while this moment ends the morning after like every other season ... in disappointment. It's usually best to forget the entire experience and dwell on other things, but like most dolts in life, after about five months we forget why it ended in disgust and travel down that road again.

"If baseball and the Cubs franchise have taught me anything, it's that I have way too much faith in humanity. My parents unwisely gave me that tenet in life; the Cubs have taketh it away."

You can see the entire article here. Its a pretty bad article, and mainly just shows how fucking retarded we Cubs fans really are. (ahem,,,, me not included) And also how fucking stupid the writer is, actually believing my name was Bill Lapetomane when I actually told him my name was Luke and I was born in Wheaton. What? Has the guy not seen Blazing Saddles?
The bulk of the fans he quoted are just stan's, while others just lament about trades and expectations.

But it could have be worse I suppose, I could be a fucking Cards fan.