An All-Star Rant

I'm up in the air about the All-Star game. Do I like it? Not especially. Do I watch it every fucking year? Yup. There are multiple reasons why, and they're usually because there is no baseball on TV for 3 fucking days, so I get a little jumpy. It wouldn't be so fucking bad except that there is literally no other fucking sports on TV during the 3 day All-Star break. So, it's either that or watching re-runs on the paint drying channel. Or Degrassi. There is ALWAYS Degrassi.

I suppose the only two logical reasons to watch it are because there are some great players in it, and because our idiot commissioner made the stupid thing worth something. The winner gets home field advantage for the World Series. This is about the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of. Because, you know, its not like there is a 162 game regular season that we could sort that whole issue out. Right? Fucking moron.

First off, it's meant to be an exhibition game. An exhibition game that "fan"atic idiots vote in the players. So it's a microcosm of stupid decisions. (Much like my sophomore year in high school.)
I'll be the first to admit it, my team is never snubbed from putting players in the game. We're a big market team, with a continental fan base and morons the world over love underdogs. Never fear, Underdog is here. So, just because we have lots of fans, our players get voted into the game. I know that when you say that last sentence out loud it sounds pretty democratic, and very American, and very....... U.S. of motherfucking A. But it's not.
Last year we had like 7 players in the game. This, combined with the 9 players that the Yankees and the Red Socks sent, made it into a ginormous douche amalgamation the likes of which we won't see again until repeat episode's of The Hills run on TBS.
So. Democratically speaking. It's a Palsy way to do things. Even though Winston Churchill said "democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried," he wasn't referring to Baseball. Maybe Cricket. But not Baseball.

That's why the All-Star game shouldn't mean anything. Because you have stupid people voting. (Sure there are a million and one political comparisons I can make right now, but that would take me into another fuck quoted rant where my belief is unearthed that poor people and women shouldn't vote) Everyone knows that the lineage behind the word "fan" is "fanatic" and fanatics are lunatics, and radical, and fucking nuts. We don't let people in asylums vote do we? People in strait jackets can't pull levers for a fucking reason...it's because they make bad decisions. Much like all the assholes who vote for Yankee Captain Derek "Fucking" Jeter ever fucking year. News flash retards. Derek Jeter is the most overrated shortstop since Ozzie Smith was doing backflips on astroturf. Except that Smith was actually an awesome shortstop that couldn't hit a beach ball being thrown uphill by Barry Zito. Jeter has no range, he doesn't have an arm, and he's a par hitter. Every fucking year we all have to suffer watching highlights of him diving into the stands and throwing runners out at first base off his back fucking leg because he has no arm....and I wanna kill people because of it. It's bad enough that we have to watch these fucking pantloads every fucking evening on ESPN, but it's worse when ESPN forces a product down our throat even though it's bad shit. It's like eating a poop sandwich just for the corn.

We end up watching a game that should be an exhibition game, with players that aren't the best at their position because we're bored, and yet the fucking game is being played for home field advantage in the World Series.
A meaningless game that has meaning. Every other major sport has their version of the All-Star game, and they're versions are just as retarded as ours.....The difference is, they know they're retarded, and they don't try to make retard sandwiches by making the game have meaning. Have you ever watched an NHL All-Star game? The score usually ends up being 25 to 24 and no one gives a shit. Its just 12 Canadians that are just having fun. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the goalies are fucking drunk. That might actually be in the bylaws somewhere.
But whoever the NHL commish is, he isn't stupid enough to try and change the exhibition match to a match that means something. Bud Selig has done this with our All-Star game and now it just resembles a circus of queers.

Ohhh. I'm not fucking done yet either. There's another reason I don't like the game. It's not really baseball. It's not managed like baseball. It's not pitched like Baseball. The end product never looks like a Baseball game. Sure the fundamentals don't change. See Dick throw, see Dick hit, and see Dick catch. The problem is that a player never gets to play the whole game, and a pitcher rarely pitches over two innings. Because of that, it's like a Little League game in communist California. You know the type. A game where no score is kept for fear that we might have to call someone a "loser". Every kid gets to play because his whiny tree hugging parent doesn't want to explain to Johnny that he sucks,,,, and it's okay to fester in mediocrity his whole live by not really working for anything. Constantly telling him that he is special, and he is a unique snowflake, and he can be whatever he wants to be because life will cater to him and his needs. Face the facts faggots. What your doing is an exercise. In futility. Except it's not really futile, it's an exercise on how to make sure that Johnny has a cock in his mouth before he hits middle school.
If I remember correctly, the late great Reggie Dunlop told us in the movie Slap Shot the following: "You better get re-married again, or he's gonna have someone's cock in his mouth before you can say Jack Robinson."
Reggie might not be talking about little Johnny playing pony league baseball, but he certainly was talking about cocks in the mouths of little boys. Which means once again, I'm kinda on point. So thanks for the advice Reggie.


Then what should we do to fix this bastardized version of a Baseball game?

First,. Either it is a real game, or its an exhibition game. I vote Exhibition. Because I'm not mentally retarded. If Bud Selig insists on making it mean something, than they need to keep the roster to the proto-typical 25 man roster. Just like a normal game. Not this fucking 35 man roster that they usually end up with. Why? One reason. Dan Fucking Uggla. Dan Uggla got to play in the All-Star game last year. Dan Uggla made 3 fucking errors in the game. Apparently the "fanatics" voted some guy in who had spina bifida.
Oh, and another reason they should have a normal roster. Because I'm sick of hear the moniker of "All Star" attached to someone's name. Like "All Star catcher and Captain, Jason Varitek". Jason Varitek doesn't have All Star ability, he's not good, and the only reason he's in the fucking All Star game every year is because functional retards in the North East figured out how to manipulate a keyboard attached to a computer.


I'm sick of people being able to vote 25 times. One vote, per person. I can't even imagine why we are allowed to vote 25 times per household. What are we, a nation of Mexicans? The only reason that I can possibly fathom why the League allows 25 votes per household is because they want to inflate the popularity of the voting. We know that Albert Pool Holes doesn't get millions of votes every year. We do the math, we divide by 25 and know that he only got 80 thousand. Yeah, I know...this coming from the guy that voted for Aramis Ramirez 25 times last year. Which brings me to my last point. I'm part of the problem . I'm a fanatic. I'm a fucking homer. If you let me, I'll ruin the game too. So change the fucking rules Selig. One vote. Per person.

And oh yeah. Fuck Derek Jeter. I hope he gets hit by an Aids Bus.