I'm just gonna say it. Radiohead. Not a good band.

There. I said it.

I've been thinking about posting this topic for a long time. Not because I'm afraid of the 3 people that read my shit slamming down the shame hammer on me, but because I get the general feeling that I'm not supposed to admit that I don't like Radiohead. Its just not done. It has been written over and over again that we are all supposed to love and adore these fucks from England. Admitting that you don't like Radiohead is admitting that you couldn't tell a sonic boom from a cymbal. You will also be admitting that you are an uneducated fuck, and you will have to admit that you have no musical taste. (more on that later)
(I had some weird fucked up conversation with an ex of mine which might render this post useless. We both admitted that we loved the singer Pink. But we were afraid to admit it to anyone else on the face of the planet this factoid because it would eradicate any chance of us ever arguing in public about any musical taste we had. If someone found out that I actually like Pink, it would be the ultimate trump card. We could be talking about our opinions on the band "The Velvet Underground" and I could completely come up with a great argument on why even with Lou Reed in the band, they were fucking overrated. This of course would be met with a hearty "well you like Pink you fucking retard" and I would summarily lose the battle. We feared this fact getting out to the general public, and were honestly scared.)
Everyone likes Radiohead. Other Artists. Critics. Fans. While I could care less about Critics and I rarely ever agree with Artists who tell me what art I am supposed to like, I have always had a hard time when the public tells me what I am supposed to like. At least with the public there is some sort of scientific data. Records were purchased, concerts were sold out, and t-shirts were worn by adoring fans. I get it. Radiohead is popular. But every one of my senses tell me that Radiohead sucks. I've tried to fucking listen to them. For the past two days I have listened to a gigantic amount of their music and there isn't one catchy song. Nada. Even their only song that I know (Creep) is mediocre at best. (Do me a favor. Go to Pandora, or Last.Fm, or any online radio station and listen to them. They are fucking horrible.)
There are other bands that I don't personally enjoy, but can separate talent from taste and understand why everyone else likes them. I'm not afraid of admitting it to people. Because that just boils down to taste. I get why people like R.E.M. Sure, why not? Orange Crush is catchy, and I think about the song Nightswimming every time I go skinny dipping. I understand why kids these days listen to bands like Panic at the Disco, and Death Cab for Cutie. They got great names, a couple catchy tunes, and they're probably stylish in today's skin tight blue jean wearin, big sunglass sportin, stupid haircut havin society. I GET IT. I don't begrudge them their tastes. (In music. Nuthugging black jeans as a social norm is a completely different topic)

Not only do I not like their shitty fucking music, there is seemingly another whole reason I am supposed to like Radiohead, and for some reason it appears that this reason is much more prevalent. Radiohead and their fans are really really smart. Not liking Radiohead means you are stupid and uncultured. And it seems to me that there are two types of people that are telling me this. Pseudo-intellectuals, and Uber-intellectuals that are so smart that they are actually stupid.

I would bet that 92% of the people that like Radiohead are of the Pseudo-intellectual crowd. These are the people that use big words in daily conversation like Xenophobic, Jingoism, use the phrase "it is what it is" all the time and want to talk about Ayn Rand and post-modernism. These people want to appear smart, and they spend their entire existence making sure that you know that they're not stupid. In music terms what this means is that because pseudo-intellectuals are so afraid of being stupid and out of the "know" they live in fear of the day that some dickhole barista serving them their morning half-chai low fat latte is going to out them as out of the loop and culturally irrelevant. Because of this they have forfeited their taste in music. They are the equivalent of people that love to talk about wine, and care less about drinking it. (everyone knows someone like this. If I fucking have to hear any more about wine being described as "oaky", or "has a hint of lavender" I'm gonna shoot people.)
The other 8% is comprised of really really smart people. The Uber-Intellectuals. They are so smart that they can engage you on your favorite topic of choice and fucking destroy you. They are also the same people think Socialism actually works. And can actually make an argument for it, and if you've had more than 4 Bombay Gin and Tonics they will convince you. BUT. They are so smart that they cannot see the big picture. These people also have weird taste, and from what I can tell, that taste is shitty bands like Radiohead.


So according to the fans, the critics and other artists their songs are smart, their lyrics are topical and on target, they sing about things that matter on an intellectual level in a industry and in an art form that as a whole throws those novel ideas out the fucking window.
I got multiple problems with this. 1.) I don't listen to music to get smarter. I'm not going to listen to Radiohead and raise my I.Q. That would be like getting my doctorate from Yale to play the guitar. 2.) Listening to a song isn't going to change my opinion of something. If listening to "Hail to the Thief" by Radiohead alters your perception of George Bush than you shouldn't be allowed to vote. 3.) I'm not going to like a band, because I'm supposed to like them. If I did this than my record collection would be full of shitty music like Rod Stewart and Sheryl Crow. 4.) When I first hear a song/band for the first time I don't listen to the words. I listen to the beat, the drums, the timbre of the lead singers voice. I don't hit scan on the radio dial because I didn't like some lyrics I just heard. If the music is sonically pleasing than I'll usually listen to it a couple of times then dissect the lyrics. Radiohead isn't catchy, and there isn't a single portion of the band that is sonically outstanding.

I'm not buying into it. I'm not going to be afraid anymore about the social stigmas attached to not liking shitty popular music. Hopefully you will all agree with me and we will all look back on this in a decade and high five each other as we count all our money we didn't spend on these fucking hacks.