Hey. Why don't you check this out?

I have been accused of many things in my life. An asshole, a misogynist. Narcissistic. Selfish. Hot tempered. Deliberately obtuse. An alcoholic........ The list could go on and on.
Maybe I am some of these things, maybe I am all of these things, but I refused to be pigeonholed and there is one aspect of my personality that cannot be denied.

I am Luke. Grocery Visionary.


I can't remember the date, or month, or specific time it happened, but I remember being pissed. My local Kroger store had installed self-checkout lines. At the time, I was fucking hot. I vowed to never use those cocksuckers. As usual, since I'm the kind of douchebag that creates his own "mob mentality" and doesn't think shit through, my logic was of the supremely illogical variety that is understood only by me.
I flew off the handle when I saw those self-checkout aisles. Why? I felt cheated. Somehow the grocery gods had decided to eliminate jobs and personnel and line the pockets of "the man" all the while making me do their job....... Without even offering a complimentary lubed up handjob.





When it all first started, I not only was pissed about working for a grocer that wasn't paying me to do so, but also because of the fact that it usually slowed my purchasing process down. Mainly because of the fact that the original scanning machines sucked dong, and were slow. (I will freely admit that they are now a lot faster) Now the self-checkout lines are faster than before, and are a quicker option if you aren't buying a lot of groceries. BUT now because of the plethora of self checkout aisles there are less aisles for people actually buying groceries in the lines with cashiers, which means longer lines, and more wait time. So not only is Kroger not paying you for doing a job that they have eliminated, they are now making you wait longer if you actually are buying more than 15 items. Feel like a used fucking whore now?

Listen jerkoff. I get it. I understand that corporations have to constantly re-invent themselves to make sure that they are profitable, and that they stay in business, and that their stockholders receive their quarterly dividends.
Kroger is the largest supermarket chain in the fucking U.S. They own Ralph's, Smith's, Fred Meyer's, and about 12 other fucking chains. I think they have enough fucking money.
Looking into their financials I found tons of fucking shit that I didn't know about. They not only own 18 chains of grocery stores, but a department store chain, 4 jewelry store chains, 4 convenience store chains, and of course their own financial service..... All that said, I'm a free market capitalist and don't really care that they make tons of money. I really don't. I admire them for making money. What I don't admire is the fact that we have somehow allowed companies to shift the responsibility on the consumer to do their fucking jobs. What do you want me to do next, Bag my groceries? Oh yeah, I forgot. I do that too when I use the self checkout.

After thinking about this for 2 years, I have finally come down from my preaching pulpit and will agree that the self-checkout aisles help both the grocer become more profitable while making the purchasing experience better. A proverbial win-win. Don't get me wrong, it still irks me that I'm not getting a discount off for doing their jobs. But because it speeds the process up, I can swallow it.


HOWEVER. It got me thinking. What are some other ways that grocery chains can make the process even more palatable? What are ways that they can increase profitability, market share, consumer happiness, and in the end customer loyalty?


Valet Parking
Think about the last time you were in a grocery parking lot? It was horrific wasn't it? Your constantly worried about hitting kids, old people, there are shopping carts taking up spaces, and there are never enough parking spaces. Its just like driving in Bangladesh, or Beirut. Seriously. Half the time I'm in a grocery parking lot I'm waiting for a 10 year old kid to run out in front of me with a bomb strapped to his chest.
Valet parking makes sense, and while you don't really put the two together, they should go hand in hand. You can drop your car off in front of the store, and right when you get into line to check out you can give the valet ticket to the runner dude and your car is brought back to you. AND, maybe as a bonus the runner dudes can load your groceries as well. FUCKING AWESOME.

Car Wash/Detailing/Oil Change
Why not kill two birds with one stone? While you're doing your shopping after you valet your car, why not have the motherfucker washed and waxed? Detailed? The oil changed? It makes sense? Even if you don't agree that I am a genius, and like the valet idea, this can still be implemented. Why not? What do we all do when we get our cars cleaned? We stand there like fucking idiots. What do we do when we get our oil changed? We sit in that little room and read their shitty magazines like "Elle", and take Cosmo quiz's that inform us that we are, in fact, not pleasing our man the correct way. All I'm saying is that it makes sense to combine the two things.

Dry Cleaning
Why can't I drop off my Dry cleaning here too? I'm not saying that they have to own, or have a dry cleaning facility on site, but at the very least they should have a drop off/pick up place for your local dry cleaner. I know that my local dry cleaner trucks in all the dry cleaning to a central location then back out to the drop off/pick-up place. Everyone gets groceries, most people have dry-cleaning. It makes sense people.

Online grocery list
Sounds weird right? Its not. Everyone has that grocery list under a magnet on the refrigerator at home. Why not have it online? Why should you do it online? Because then the chain that you use can tell you what is on sale, when the sales are over, what is out of stock, what they are trying to get rid of. This would also be fucking huge for the grocery store chain as well! It could be directly tied into their purchasing system and allow them to not over-buy or under-buy products. They would be in constant communication with the consumer on what units were moving, or what wasn't. What business wouldn't want this information that currently doesn't have it?
ALSO. What if that grocery list was somehow available to you electronically at the store? Maybe on the grocery cart itself? Sure its a wacky thought, but with RFID technology being where it is today wouldn't that help the consumer locate the products inside the grocery store better. It could tell you what products on your electronic grocery list where in specific aisles, what coupons were available at the time of purchase, what is the best consumer value for different products, and fuck it, why can't we just scan or pay for our items once we put them in our cart? This technology is already being used in other market places, why not here?


Why can't grocery chains think outside the box? Why do I have to do their thinking for them? Is it because getting groceries is a necessity, and they don't think they need to make the process better? Which brings me full circle. The self-checkout aisle was originally done to benefit the grocery store, and ended up being better for all of us. Why can't they do other things that both improve their processes, while endearing me to their product? Who knows? All I know is that we're a long way from getting that lubed up handjob at the self-checkout aisle, and at least to me,,,,, that is very troubling because it's the apex of buying process.