Epson can go fuck themselves.

I had to buy a new printer on Tuesday. This is a story of why I'm a dumbass, and why Epson should have sex with themselves.

Even though I haven't bought a printer in about 4 years, this really isn't that big of a deal. In my years I have bought and owned 9 printers that I can remember, and I've bought almost every brand. From Lexmark, to Hewlett Packard, full-circle to owning a Dell. I have to say that I've had pretty good success with every brand, as I don't have a negative opinion of any of the brands. Including Epson. In fact, I bet that I've owned more Epson printers than any other printers. I've never had a problem with them, or any others. (This is probably because they are pretty basic items, and not because of caveat emptor. It's not like buying a fucking computer, or speakers, or a new Ipod)

Well, I got a fucking problem with Epson now. Not per se with the printer itself (yet), but the company as a whole.

So I walk into Best Buy right to the printer isle. Ahhhhhh. Options. They of course have every fucking printer under the sun, which is why I like Best Buy and not the other big box electronic retailers. Well, that and geographic convenience to my home.
I walked up and down the isle looking at the aesthetic options of every different brand and type. After about 20 minutes I settled on the HP. It was small and compact, but if I remember correctly this type of model prints fast. Like really fast. Usain Bolt fast.
At first I was all set to buy a HP, it was priced at a little more than 100 bucks. As I reached to pick up the box and head to the checkout with my new purchase I reminded myself about the most important thing about buying printer. Hell, I almost shouted it loud enough so that the fucking nerds at the Geek Squad could hear me.
"CHECK THE PRICE OF THE INK, BEFORE YOU BUY THE PRINTER!!!"
This is key people, most companies that sell printers have figured out how to stick it to consumers. They set the retail price of the printer as low as possible, then make it up by massively overpricing the fucking ink. Yep, they fuck you at the drive through.
So I put the HP printer box back down and looked at the floor model again. Sure enough it that had that old school huge printer cartridge that costs 65 fucking dollars. Fuck that jazz.
I have to start my purchase process all over again.
I am now looking at a Canon, that looks like the cheapest in the store and it is. It is regularly priced at 49 bucks, but since its been opened it's on sale for 39 bucks. I've paid more for cocktails at the Spearmint Rhino than this Canon printer. 39 bucks. Seriously. Thirty-nine. 39 dollars for a fully functional printer amazes me.

This one looks like the one for me. I start having an internal monologue with myself about it.
"Fuck it, I'm sure that everything will be hunky dory, there's no way Best Buy would sell a product that is broken or doesn't work"
"It'll be fine, especially for 39 dollars."
"It's a Canon, that's name brand enough for me"
I then saunter over to the ink and find the appropriate ink cartridges that go with my soon to be purchased Canon. 12 samoles. Good to go. (I do not do the stupid hand wave taco bell thingy though)

Then as I am literally 20 feet from the hot checkout lady (who turns out is a land manatee)I walk past a sign on top of about 15 printers on the floor. I of course do a double take and quickly stop in my tracks. From what I can tell I'm in printer Elysium. Not just an Epson printer, but an Epson printer, fax, and scanner, copier for 48 bucks! Paydirt! I have never been this excited about a printer before in my life. It's great when a loss leader and my good taste go hand in hand. I still kind of shocked though, so I just stand there for about 2 minutes like a retarded 8 year old. Then I switch to black Friday shopper mode as I am frantically flipping the box over and over trying to figure out what I'm exactly getting shystered out of. Than it hits me! The price of the ink must be outrageous. I now am trying hysterically to find out what the number is for the ink corresponds with this printer. Epson makes it very difficult to find it on their boxes. This somehow validates my brain as a consumer because I have finally figured out Epson is going to steal money from me on this purchase. After about 45 seconds I find the right ink and Holy mother of Fuck, the ink is only 14 bucks!
This could very well be my purchase of the year. I gladly pay the water hippo and drive home.

I am in the fucking process of hooking this fucking thing up. Pissed off and sweaty. (Which if you know me isn't uncommon, but probably entertaining from someone else's point of view)

Here is what Epson has in the smallest font possible on the box:

USB cable sold separately.
Who the fuck sells the USB cable separately? Never in my long history of buying electronic products and more specifically printers has a USB cable NOT come with the fucking product! You can't even set the fucking thing up without having one. Now I have to take my fat ass back to the store to buy an 8 dollar USB cable. I'm not really pissed that it fucking costs 8 dollars, but rather just include it and charge me 8 dollars more. I'm fine with it, but as a consumer I was a fucking jackass and assumed that the printer came with all the proper products that would allow it to be ready to use once I took it out of the packaging. Wrong. Way wrong.

This model takes FOUR(4), fucking ink cartridges rather than the usual two.
So rather than spending 28 dollars every time that I need new ink, I have to spend 56 dollars. Which is of course 8 dollars more than the fucking printer itself. I am seeing red right now. Not because this whole thing makes me look retarded, but it makes me look really really retarded. I specifically know that they suck you in with a cheap printer, than they fuck you with the cost of ink. I fucking knew this going in, I checked the price of the ink out in the ink isle, I reminded myself, I was a conscientious shopper, I did my homework, and I still got fucked in the butt.


Fuck Epson. If I wasn't so pissed off I would write a letter. The problem of course is, they didn't really do anything wrong. They put it on the box that it in fact did not include a USB cable, and it in fact took 4 fucking ink cartridges instead of 2. You know what I should do? I should just buy a new fucking printer every time my ink cartridge's are empty. The fucking printer is cheaper than the ink, and it already comes with the fucking ink, so as long as I already have a USB cable it would be cheaper for me to buy a new printer every time! It would be the first genius thing I've done this week.